![The photo depicts our isolation as a man walks alone in the haze.](https://thegoldengarage.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/loner_builder_m_opt.jpg)
There is a powerful thing our cell phones do for us–
they make us feel as if we aren’t isolated, even though we are. 🙂
We’ve never had so many “friends” in our lives,
yet we’ve never been lonelier.
Looks to me like the only way we can actually
come out of our isolation and start talking with other people
is if we do it in person.
YIKES, you say. The mere thought scares me!
OK, I say.
Whether you have forgotten how–or never knew to begin with–
it’s time to go out into the world
and learn to connect face to face.
Confidence is the key
The only way you are going to connect face to face
is if you develop the guts to do it.
Here are three steps that will build your confidence
to connect and start talking with other people:
1) Deal with your expectation of rejection
2) Improve your appearance
3) Get some easy practice talking with others
Lets take these steps one at a time.
The first one is the hardest, but it’s the most important:
1) Deal with your expectation of rejection
Ask yourself if you have a rejection script.
Do you say things like this to yourself:
“I’m invisible.” “I’m always alone.” “No one ever wants to talk with me.”
If you do, you have a rejection script.
If you passively accept that script as permanent,
it will become a self fulfilling prophesy.
The good news is:
It doesn’t have to be permanent!
You can challenge your rejection script.
To challenge it, though, you must be willing
to ask yourself some difficult questions:
“Why do I want to be invisible?”
“Why do I want to be alone?”
“Why do I want no one to ever talk with me?”
These self defeating wishes are very common.
If we allow them to prevail, they keep us in a victim mentality.
But if we expose them to the light of day and challenge them,
they die of their own absurdity.
When you challenge these wishes regularly,
you will begin to feel like being seen,
not being invisible.
You will begin to feel like being connected,
not being alone.
You will start to become a person who seeks to talk with others,
and makes it easy for them to talk with you!
2) Improve your appearance
The next thing you can do to build your confidence to connect
and start talking with other people is to improve your appearance.
Regardless of your size, or whether you are good looking or not,
being well groomed and wearing good clothes and shoes
will make a positive impression on others.
If your appearance makes a poor impression,
no effort you make to talk with others will be well received.
One of the primary ways people defeat themselves socially
is passively giving up on their appearance.
If you have done that, you need to challenge yourself:
“Why do I give up on my appearance?”
and resolve to make improvements.
To have some fun improving your appearance, see my previous post:
How can wearing my best colors make me stronger?
3) Get some easy practice talking with others
Choose some everyday situations that feel low-risk to you,
where you can start to practice talking with others.
Just small talk. Just a few sentences to break your silence. 🙂
Be sure to dress well, and don’t forget to smile!
For example:
Talk with the clerk as you go through the check out line at stores
Talk with the person at the drive through window after you make your order
Talk with the waitress at the restaurant
Talk with the receptionist at the gym
I’m sure you can come up with more ideas!
So go ahead and brainstorm other places you can begin to build the confidence
to come out of your isolation and start talking with other people.
Then choose one, and GO for it.
You may be surprised to find that people actually do enjoy talking with you.
And when you connect with respect with another human being,
especially one who is ordinarily ignored,
you might even make their day.
Dr. Hall
PS For more ideas on coming out of isolation, see my previous post:
How does a loner become a builder with friends?